Joshua only gets one post

I finished Deuteronomy and wasn't it fun? I'm sorry I ever doubted it. I've really been enjoying this. As much as it seems like all my posts are poking fun at the bible I've learned a lot historically and about my own faith. Humor is just how I deal with the unknown. I hope I haven't offended anyone and if I have I'm sorry and I'd love to have an in depth conversation with you sometime about all the things I felt were too serious and personal to write in this journal.

I read all of Joshua in a day. It was basically filled with Joshua completing Moses' quest. Btw! Moses doesn't get to go to the promised land. What?! He does all that work and then bupkis! Poor Moses...Oh well, back to Joshua.

Joshua 12: 7, 9-24 The following are the kings of the land whom Joshua and the Israelites defeated on the west side of the Jordan...the king of Jericho,

the king of Ai,

the king of Jerusalem,

the king of Hebron,

the king of Jarmuth,

the king of Lachish,

the king of Eglon,

the king of Gezer,

the king of Debir,

the king of Geber,

the king of Hormah,

the king of Arad,

the king of Libnab,

the king of Adullam,

the king of Makkedah,

the king of Bethel,

the king of Tappuah,

the king of Hepher,

the king of Aphek,

the king of Lasharon,

the king of Madon,

the king of Hazor,

the king of Shumron-meron,

the king of Achshaph,

the king of Taanach,

the king of Megiddo,

the king of Kedesh,

the king of Jokneam in Carmel,

the king of Dor in Naphath-dor,

the king of Goiim in Galilee,

the king of Tirzah,

thirty-one kings in all.

Holy cow!! Joshua defeated all those kings? Way to go Joshua. What a resume! Kind of makes you think, "what am I doing with my life?"

Blind People

Deuteronomy 27:17 Cursed be anyone who misleads a blind person on the road.

I'm glad this is in the bible. No one should do that. Period.

Nocturnal emissions

Deuteronomy 23:10-11 If one of you becomes unclean because of a nocturnal emission, then he shall go outside the camp; he must not come within the camp. When evening comes, he shall wash himself with water, and when the sun has set, he may come back into the camp.

I bet they don't teach this in health classes now. The night after they teach it in class a large groupd of boys head out of town and won't come back till the next night. They won't tell anyone why. The headlines might be hilarious. Anyone have any ideas??

Excluded from the Assembly of the Lord

Deuteronomy 23:1 No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord.

So whether it's your choice (castrati) or someone else's (John Bobbit) you can't get in. That's rough.

Cross Dressing

Suddenly I understand why the uber-christian fun photo booth at the Orange County Fair wouldn't let Sammy and I swap clothing. I think I would have made a great cowboy (see to the left) and I think you all can guess how lovely Sammy looks in a dress but if not (also, see to the left).

Deuteronomy 22:5 A woman shall not wear a man's apparel, nor shall a man put on a woman's garment; for whoever does such things is abhorrent to the Lord your God.

Halloween HORRORS

I'm going to skip a couple of the passages I had mapped out to post about to share with you the HORRORS that God will afflict upon you if you disobey him.

Deuteronomy 28: 25-29...You shall become an object of horror to all the kingdoms of earth. Your corpses shall be food for every bird of the air and animals of the earth, and there shall be no frightening them away. The Lord will afflict you with the boils of Egypt, with ulcers, scurvy, and itch of which you cannot be healed. The Lord will afflict you with madness, blindness, and confusion of mind; you shall grope about at noon as blind people grope in darkness, but you shall be unable to find your way; and you shall be continually abused and robbed, without anyone to help.

Anyone think Hitchcock got some of his ideas from the Bible? Huh? Huh?

Rebellious Children

Deuteronomy 22:18-21 If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey his father and mother, who does not heed them when they discipline him, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his town at the gate of that place. They shall say to the elders of his town, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard." Then all the men of the town shall stone him to death.

Talk about tough love! This passage is another perfect reading for Halloween. Any kids engaging in tricks rather than treats in your town? Instead of milky ways, give them some pop-rocks this year. ;)

So if you're under 18 and planning on getting eggs for some "fun" this halloween, make something out of it (see above) rather than risk getting stoned to death by townspeople.

War

Deuteronomy 20:5-7 Then the officials shall address the troops, saying, "Has anyone built a new house but not dedicated it? He should go back to his house, or he might die in the battle and another dedicate it. Has anyone planted a vineyard but not yet enjoyed its fruit? He should go back to his house, or he might die in the battle and another be first to enjoy its fruit. as anyone become engaged to a woman but not yet married her? He should go back to his house, or he might die in the battle and another marry her.

So, the ways you could get out of battle were: build a new house, plant a vineyard, or get engaged. It would be amazing if these were still the rules. The day the president says we're going to war and there will be a draft there'd be lines around the block at home depot and Zales and a lot of happy ladies out there!

Jealosy rears it's ugly head!

Deuteronomy 4:23-24 So be careful not to forget the covenant that the Lord your God made with you, and not to make for yourselves an idol in the form of anything that the Lord your God has forbidden you. For the Lord your God is a devouring fire, a jealous God.

More scary stuff here. He's a devouring fire!

This left me asking two questions. One is rather silly and the other serious. See if you can guess which is which:

1) If God is jealous and it has been said that He is infallible, does that mean that it's okay to be jealous or is he NOT infallible?

and,

2) What would you do if you were on a first date at a nice restaurant, the wine just arrived and the certain someone sitting across the table said to you, "You should keep your promises to me because I'm a devouring fire. I'm a jealous person"?

Leviticus-Numbers-Deuteronomy

I finished both Leviticus and Numbers. I had not planned on writing anything about Numbers because it was rather tedious. That is, I wasn't going to write any comments about Numbers until I got to Deuteronomy and realized it's the same stories in Numbers only told by a different person!

Wish me good luck...